


Crystal Chrysanthemums

by KakeWarlock



Series: A-Z Kpop Oneshots [3]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Fluff, Hanahaki Disease, Happy Ending, M/M, but still warning, but they only kissed, first hanahaki au thats ends happy, his hyungs care so much, i am literally too innocent for this, i lost all purity, im bad at kissing and stuff, really minor tho, things kinda get steamy, wat a surprise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-31
Updated: 2017-12-31
Packaged: 2019-02-24 16:25:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13217589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KakeWarlock/pseuds/KakeWarlock
Summary: Changkyuns in love. And thats deadlyBut he doesn't careorA hanahaki au that i made because none of the ones i found ended happily.





	Crystal Chrysanthemums

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Français available: [Crystal Chrysanthemums](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14401239) by [Mathiiel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mathiiel/pseuds/Mathiiel)



> welcome to C in my A-Z Kpop Oneshots.
> 
> This one is the longest one i wrote by far, and then its really crappy so i guess its justified.
> 
> I cringed while reading this.
> 
> Also i guess this might be a bit triggering for talk of EDNOS but its minor. But i'd still like to put that out there.

Changkyun wasn't stupid. Sure, he had his fair share of moments where people would stare at him weirdly after he said something that made no sense whatsoever, but that was different than being stupid. Right?

 

So, as he sat in the bathroom stall, hunched over the toilet bowl, throwing up as quietly as possible, he thought he was doing everyone a favor. Besides, who throws up fucking flowers anyways? If he told any of his hyungs, they’d be way too worried about him and honestly, he’s fine.

 

This has been going on for a week by now and besides interrupting his dinner, the whole flower ordeal had not affected him much. He’d just go tell his noona he had bad headaches and get some pills to relax his upset stomach. 

 

It wasn't anything really bad. It’s not like he was going to die anytime soon. Plus, the flowers were really pretty. He’d never seen chrysanthemums look like these before. So ethereal and natural, it almost made him forget that it had come from him.

 

It’s probably just something that’ll pass.

 

He’d be fine.

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

The first time it happened, Changkyun supposed, was at night. 

 

Everybody in the dorm was sleeping, but Changkyun wasn't able to so he just sat in his bed, scrolling through comments his fans sent him and Monsta X. He laughed at quite of few of Hyungwon pictures they sent as memes but soon queited after noticing his roommates stirring.

 

Then he tried to entertain himself with manga, picking up on all of Mob Psycho 100 that he needed to read. The story itself elicited a few laughs from Changkyun but he managed to keep them to a minimum. It was 3 in the morning and they had full schedules tomorrow.

 

That thought caused him to shut off his phone and sneakily place it back in the charger, as if he never got it in the first place. 

 

Lying on his bed, he eyes to seemed to not tire at all, and he found himself twisting to get a comfortable position.

 

_ I'm going to be so tired in the morning,  _ Changkyun thought idly, giving up on a perfect spot and just laying on his back.

 

Just then, there was a slight tickle in his throat. Changkyun coughed a little but the feeling tripled and he quickly sat up. He held his hand over his mouth to muffle his coughing and looked around the room to see if anyone had heard the commotion.

 

His heart burned painfully as he felt something stuck in his throat. He took deep breaths and tried not to swallow as he got out of bed. Once he left his room, he bolted to the bathroom.

 

Trying to open the light with both his hands occupied was a bit difficult but he succeeded, and closed the door with his foot. He rushed to the toilet and uncovered his hand, trying to cough out anything out of his throat.

 

After a few coughs, that hurt his throat and heart consecutively, the thing that seemed to block his throat was coming up. 

 

Changkyun didn't know what he was expecting. Sure he had never had something choke him that intensely but he had thought he would have coughed up some excess fluid or something.

 

But flowers were not on his list.

 

Staring dazed at the flower petal that came out of his throat, Changkyun could not process anything. 

 

_ Were they there before?  _ He thought. _ Did i just choke on a fly and it flew away before i saw it?  _

 

_Yea,_ He assured himself, _That's just it._

 

When he flushed the toilet, he closed the lid and the door to the bathroom as fast as possible in order to minimize the sound; this was a trick he learned when he was younger.

 

He gingerly touched his throat when he was outside his room, and that was when the shock wore off. His eyes widened and he looked in the direction of the bathroom before touching his mouth. 

 

Being sleep-deprived was really scary, he thought, walking in his shared room. Changkyun didnt really get a good look at the flowers and he cursed himself for it. It's not everyday you throw up flowers in the middle of the night. 

 

And even though he went through an out of world experience, Changkyun paid no mind to it.

 

It was probably a one-time thing

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

As hard as it was to forget about flower protruding out of your body, Changkyun had learned to deal with his flower ordeal as if it was a daily thing and forgot about the severity of it.

 

Or maybe Changkyun never knew how dangerous it was.

 

Until his hyungs had found out.

 

Of course, it had to happen during dinner, as it did almost every other time. It usually happened when he was by his members or when he was eating, so dinner, where both of things were combined, wasn't a good thing.

 

Usually, Changkyun would excuse himself to the bathroom, throw up his flower petals (he will never get over how pretty the looked like), and then resume dinner. He would have never thought his members would be suspicious of him.

 

They decided to have take out for dinner, even though it was greasy, which wasn’t good for their skin, and sat around the table in the living room to eat it.

 

They usually just sat on the floor so all of them could create a circle when they had take-out, it was a tradition they had ever since trainee days. But back then, they didn't really spare a glance at him, No. Mercy still fresh in their minds.

 

Changkyun shook his head, getting rid of the past events in order to brace himself for the future (read: dinner).

 

Also having dinner at 11pm seemed to be turning into a rather common occurrence once promotion season began, all of the members schedules taking over their life. Changkyun just guessed it was the life on an idol.

 

In the middle of their dinner, Changkyun started feeling queasy and stopped eating. Minhyuk turned to him curiously.

 

“Is something wrong Changkyun? You look kinda pale.” Minhyuk’s worry made the whole group pause eating to stare at the maknae.

 

Despite Changkyun’s stomach acting up, he felt fine. “Nothing's wrong, maybe i just need some more sleep.”

 

Hyungwon nodded his head, “Have fun trying to look for time to do that,” then he looked Changkyun over once from the corner of his eye, “Although it looks like you’re in desperate need of rest.”

 

The sudden tickling in Changkyun’s throat alerted him that he needed to leave the scene fast. “Actually,” he started, getting up, “I need to use the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”

 

“No, you’re not.” Shownu suddenly spoke out, putting his food down, “Sit down. We all need to have a talk with you.” His voice gave no room for arguments.

 

Changkyun slowly sat down, trying to swallow away his cough. Why would his hyungs want to talk to him anyways? Did they find out about his problem? Well he wasn't really hiding it very well in the first place.

 

Wonho turned to Shownu. “Are you sure you want to do this now, Shownu,” he glanced at the maknae, “He doesn't look too good right now.”

 

“He never looks  _ too good _ anymore, Hoseok,” Shownu cut in, glaring at the male as he flinched back.

 

Kihyun was oddly silent during this, his food left untouched. But Changkyun was observant. He knew that Kihyun barely ate anymore, and that he was losing weight for his comeback. He knew all of this though he never approached Kihyun about it, hopefully that it was just for the comeback and nothing else.

 

But as they were in the 3rd week of promotions, and Kihyun still hasn’t slowed down his destructive eating habits. Changkyun didn’t know why the members haven't noticed this yet.

 

“Guy,” Changkyun started, gaining their attention, “What do you want to talk to me about? I still need to go to the bathroom.”

 

Jooheon narrowed his eyes at the youngest member, “And what exactly will you do when you get into the bathroom?” 

 

Changkyun gulped. Did they find out about him?

 

Kihyun broke the silence. “What he meant to say,” Kihyun said, jabbing his arm into Jooheon rib, “You always ask to use the bathroom during dinner, and you barely eat breakfast with us anymore. Do you have a problem...with eating?” Kihyun asked.

 

Changkyun felt that it was ironic that they thought he was the one with the eating problem. That Kihyun was the one asking him when Kihyun himself…

 

He got rid of the thought.

 

“Why would I have a problem with eating? Wonho, I had two bowls ramen with you yesterday!” Changkyun replied, eyes roaming around the room.

“Yea,” Wonho replied, looking anywhere but at him, “But you also threw up in the bathroom after so…” he voice quieted.

 

Changkyun eyes widened as everything clicked. They thought he had an eating disorder. The prospect was so absurd that Changkyun almost burst out laughing. But how would he tell them he didn’t? If he told them he threw up flowers, they would send him to a mental hospital so fast, he wouldn’t even be able to explain.

 

It seemed he didn’t have to, for right at that time, a cough tore at his throat. He covered his mouth quickly as coughs racked his body. His stomach chose this time to not agree with him and he grabbed it.

 

Hyungwon, who was conveniently sitting next him, touched his shoulder, “Changkyun! What’s wrong?”

 

“Nothing,” Changkyun forced through his coughs, “Just choked on something.”

 

He was thankful no flowers came out during his coughing spree but at the same his stomach was telling him to run to the bathroom before he threw up flowers in front of everyone.

 

He suddenly stood up, swaying slightly. “I’ll be back,” he whispered hoarsely, and basically made a beeline for the toilet.

 

Of course, nothing had to go his way, and he could hear multiple footsteps follow him. He locked the bathroom door quickly so none of them could get in. He knew they could get a key to open it but it would take them some time to find it and hopefully he would be done by then.

 

Besides, this wasn’t that big of a deal.

 

Dropping in front of the toilet, he let out all of the flowers that were lodged in his throat, gasping for air. The flowers seemed to have multiplied, and Changkyun had trouble trying to get them out, choking many times.

 

“Changkyun!” he heard Kihyun yell through the door, while the others banged on it, “Open the door!”

 

Changkyun heart swelled at the thought of Kihyun caring about his well-being but apparently his body didn’t like that as he doubled over and threw up even more.

 

This only seemed to worry the members through the door and he could hear them yelling to get the key so they could open the door. 

 

Tha maknae stood up when he was done, his vision blurry with tears from his painful experience. He had never thrown up that many petals before, and his body seemed to lose all strength. 

 

Changkyun used the wall as support when he tried to move to the door. His head thumped to the rhythm of his heart and he felt strangely dissociated from everything.

 

“I’m fine,” he tried to convince his members, barely getting the sentence out due to his panting.

 

The members seemed to hit the door harder than before as Changkyun felt tears erupt in his vision. God, he felt so bad.

 

His legs gave out on him and he hit the floor, making a loud noise. 

 

“Changkyun, are you okay?” he shakily heard Minhyuk ask. 

 

Changkyun closed his eyes, and took deep breaths. He didn't want to be here. He wanted to everything to go back to normal. Why did everything hurt more today than it did yesterday or a week ago?

 

His silence drew the line as Shownu kicked down the door, totally forgetting about the prospect of the key. The members came rushing into the small restroom.

 

Kihyun fell to the floor next to Changkyun and felt his forehead. Changkyun sighed slightly at the cold hand warming his head.

 

“Changkyun, can you hear me? Can you open your eyes?” Jooheon asked, leaning over Kihyun.

 

Despite his head killing him, and the gray spots in his vision, he fully opened his eyes. His eyes were blurry but he could make out the shape of his members standing over him.

 

Then, the tickling came again full force and Changkyun turned to his side to cough. The coughing though turned to him heaving as he threw up flowers in front of his members.

 

Later Changkyun might have been embarrassed for doing this, but all he could think about was the  _ burning hot  _ pain in his throat. 

 

He felt someone rub his back as he finished letting out the flowers, tears flowing freely down his cheeks. Breathing slowly he tried to raise his head but the headache (migraine?) in his head wouldn’t let him move.

 

His arms shook from the weight he thrusted on them and he shut his mouth. The buzzing in his ears that accompanied him with his vomiting blocked him from hearing anything his members were asking him.

 

“I’m fine,” he said, trying to convince himself, arms collapsing from the weight.

 

“I’m fine,” he spoke, falling onto the hard floor, only to have a strong pair of arms hold him.

 

I’m fine” he whispered, defeated, as the darkness overtook his vision.

 

(he wasn’t)

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

Changkyun didn’t really have a problem with hospitals. He had never been a patient at one, or had one of his family members die in one so he never actually cared about hospitals.

 

But now with wires attached to his arms, and the annoying continuous beeping of the heart monitor, he was getting annoyed pretty fast.

 

Taking a look at the bare white room, he noticed a chair in the corner being occupied by a sleeping person. Despite their head being down, Changkyun knew it was Shownu. He debated whether or not to wake his hyung up, but quickly thought against it. His hyung had been really stressed during this certain promotion season, and being the leader, the work must of taken a toll on him.

 

Making himself comfortable on the bed, without pulling the wires stuck in his arms, Changkyun tried to entertain himself. No one knew he was awake yet, and he didn’t know what buttons (there were a lot) to press to call for a nurse. 

 

He opt to look out the window of his hospital room, and stared at the busy life outside, opposite of this desolate room. He was so entranced by watching cars driving on the interstate, that he forgot the reason he was in the hospital.

 

Until he thought of his members.

 

Watching the cars made him think if any of them were his members, worrying about him. The thought brought his hand to his mouth as he was engulfed in a coughing fit. This time it was normal, and not at all what he experienced last night.

 

_ What day is it anyways?  _ Changkyun mused, hacking more petals out from his mouths. It didn’t hurt this time; it only made him uncomfortable since his throat was very dry.

 

When he finished his session, he stared at the pale-colored chrysanthemums scattered around him on the bed. If not for the lines of green they had at the bottom, they would blend in perfectly with the bed.

 

He picked them up one by one, admiring the beauty of them, when a sound came from the side of the room Shownu was sleeping in. Grasping the petals tightly, his hands into fists, Changkyun saw Shownu rub his eyes as he sat up.

 

Prior to the leader noticing the maknae had woken up, Changkyun shut his eyes, faking his sleep. He regulated his breath, making the time he breathed in and out the same. This seemed to work on the leader whose footsteps drew near.

 

“Changkyun,” the leader whispered, brushing the aforementioned idol’s hair back, “Your hyungs sorry for not noticing this earlier.”

 

There was a pause and Changkyun was wondering what exactly Shownu was up to. He wasn't expecting Shownu to pick up a flower that had fallen onto the ground.

 

Shownu narrowed his eyes slightly, “Changkyun?” he whispered, hope filling in his chest.

 

Idly, Changkyun realized that it was very difficult to open his eyes, since his body was practically begging for sleep but he tore them open anyways, wanting to converse with his leaders.

 

“Shownu?” Changkyun whispered back, staring at the surprised man.

 

Shownu stared at him for a moment, mouth wide, before a grin plastered on his face. He went up to Changkyun and hugged him softly, as if he were something fragile that were to break if he did anything more.

 

Changkyun smiled a bit, “Okay I think that’s enough, Shownu.” He pried himself from the others arms and looked at him.

 

The other brought up a chair next to Changkyun and began to tell him about his day. This made Changkyun curious again. 

 

“Hyung, what day is it anyways?”

 

The man looked startled by the question, “It’s, uh, tuesday. Why?”

 

Changkyun gave a huge sigh of relief. It had only been a few hours since he had been in here, for he passed out late last night.

 

“Nothing,” he assured his hyungs, glancing at the cellphone in the man's hands, “Where is everybody?”

 

Shownu looked down at his phone then up again. “They’re at their private schedules. You picked a very fortunate day to pass out,” he chuckled humorlessly, “But they’re almost done since its 3pm. I'll go give them a call.”

 

The maknae nodded, watching the leader punch in a few numbers in to his phone, and get up to leave the room. Before he did, he looked back at his dongsaeng.

 

“Changkyun?”

 

“Hm?”

 

The leader shuffled his feet, “You can rely on your hyungs sometimes, you know.”

 

Changkyun didn’t say anything back, and the leader took it as his cue to leave. The sounds of a one-sided conversation could be heard from outside the room as Changkyun pulled the hospital covers over him.

 

They didn’t need to put him in the hospital. Sure, he fainted and that's bad, but many people pass out and don’t get taken to hospitals. His hyungs just probably liked making a big deal out of nothing.

 

It’s not like he was going to die.

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

“So you’re telling me,” Changkyun questioned, “That I might die?”

 

The doctor sighed for the tenth time as his pen hit his clipboard. There was nobody else in the room except them as the doctor felt like he should break the news to the boy first and they would decide if they should tell the others or not.

 

“I don’t think you quite understand, Changkyun,” the doctor stared him in the eye, “This disease is called Hanahaki. Are you still with me?”

 

At Changkyun’s nod, he continued, “It’s caused by one-sided love.”

 

Changkyun eyes widened, “Does that mean,” he tilted his head, “the person i love doesn’t love me back?”

 

The doctor nodded sympathetically, “But you can get them to love you back. And if you do that then you’ll be cured.”

 

Changkyun frowned, “Is there anymore ways to help fight this off?”

 

“There is the possibility of performing a surgery on you,” the doctor shook his head, “But the side effects can give an idol like you some trouble. The minimal effect from the surgery though is losing the love you once had for the person.”

 

Immediately after he said that, the youngest shook his head, “I don’t want that,” he whispered. But if those were the only two choices, he would rather have the person not love him and him love them then him feeling nothing for the other.

 

“Well,” the doctor started, unsure, “There is one last … solution.” Changkyun nodded for the man to continue, “There is medication you can take for it.”

 

Changkyun’s eyes lit up at the notion, “That perfect. I can just do that.” he smiled, as if all of his problems were solved.

 

“But,” the word was stressed heavily, “This would be a lifelong disease for you. You would have to take medicine everyday for the rest of your life, and at some point, it’s going to stop working.” the doctor warned.

 

“Basically, i won’t be cured but it will speed down the process?” Changkyun asked just for sure. At the ‘yes’ he received, the youngest laid back on the rough hospital bed dejectedly.

 

“I’ll do it.” he voiced out, no room left for argument, “You can tell the members about it,” changkyun stated, “But I want the medication.”

 

The doctor only nodded and wrote something on his clipboard. “I’ll inform the others,” he lightly spoke, “If the meantime, you’re discharged. You can get ready to leave.” the doctor exited the room shortly after.

 

The emotionless voice the doctor used made Changkyun flinch and grip the sheets. He was the youngest but he was also an adult. He knew how to make good decisions.

 

(But when he took a look at his hyungs defeated face after the doctors told them about his choice, maybe he was wrong.)

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

When morning came, Changkyun was surprised to find everyone awake and bustling before him. He usually woke up with Kihyun and had a drink together quietly before anyone else could break it.

 

He pouted a bit, as he wouldn’t have private time with Kihyun, but was glad as he didn’t really want to be lonely at a time like this. And as comforting Kihyun was, there was a huge wall still between them.

 

After he got ready, which wasn’t that long to be honest, Changkyun remembered that he had to go with his manager and Hyungwon (the poor boy demanded some face mask mask to hide the bags under his eyes) to go buy medication. His face scrunched up; he hated pills.

 

Grabbing his phone from the charger and placing it in the back pocket of his skinny jeans, he gain enough courage to venture down to where everybody was eating and chatting lively.

 

As he made his way in the room, all chatter ceased. Changkyun felt a bit embarrassed by all of there stares as the last time he spoke to them he was half delirious and throwing petals. But the sudden grin blooming on Jooheon made everything a bit more tolerable.

 

“Look at our maknae,” Jooheon teased, throwing an arm around him, “The only one who can get a rare top secret disease and have the nerve to hide it from us. Give him a round of applause everyone!”

 

The table snickered at Jooheon’s enthusiasm. Changkyun threw Jooheon’s arm off his shoulder,

 

“It’s not like i knew it was a disease. I thought i probably ate a radioactive mushroom or something.”

 

Kihyun snorted at that, covering his mouth to stop his laugh from escaping. Wonho, though, made it known by giggling loudly and Jooheon pouted.

 

“Why are you guys laughing at his joke but you only snickered at mine?” he yelled exasperatedly.

 

Changkyun sat down and graciously accepted his food from Kihyun as he watched Jooheon argue with Minhyuk and Wonho on who’s jokes were funnier.

 

“Hyung, just give up,” Changkyun spoke up, smirking, “Just accept that i’m funnier. People don’t laugh at your jokes hyung. They laugh at you.”

 

Jooheon turned bright red as even Shownu laughed at the insult. Hyungwon looked bored as always but Changkyun could see the slight raise of his lips. Changkyun could also see that Hyungwon was dressed to leave too.

“Changkyun,” Kihyun’s voice brings him back, “Are you going to eat?” There’s a misplaced emotion there: worry and something that he couldn’t really place.

 

Looking down, he noticed his plate was still full. Pulling up his chopsticks, he tentatively took a bite of his food. It had been a long time since he had breakfast, much less with everybody.

 

The group looked satisfied as they saw him consume more food off of the plate. Kihyun grinned at him, crinkling his eyes. It was cute.

 

But that’s also what caused Changkyun lean forward and start coughing heavily, his body trembling greatly. Minhyuk, who was the closest to him, leaned towards him and soothingly rubbed his back as he coughed.

 

There were a few petals on his lap that he ejected but nothing too great. His hyungs stared at the flowers on his lap though, and Changkyun quickly grabbed them and stood up.

 

“Thank you for the meal,” he whispered, the sentence aimed at Kihyun before he left to throw away his flowers.

 

He didn’t go back to his hyungs when he threw the flowers away. He opt to sit on the couch and surf his phone for more information on ‘Hanahaki’ while he was waiting for Hyungwon to finish.

 

He didn’t obtain much new information except that the disease originated in Japan and was said to be have been thought of as a myth and not physically possible.

 

_ Well  _ Changkyun thought bitterly,  _ Guess I’m just a fuck-up _

 

He apparently was too into his searching as he didn’t notice Hyungwon standing in front of him for the past 2 minutes. The man reached over and plucked the phone out of the maknaes hands.

 

“Hyung!” Changkyun whined, reaching for his phone.

 

Hyungwon looked amused as he put his arm higher, enabling Changkyun from getting it, “I’ve been standing here, waiting for you to say something and you were too busy on your phone,” the elder shook his head as if to say ‘shame on you’ or something along those lines.

 

Changkyun just realized that the manager was standing in the corner the whole time, a small smile on her face. Changkyun could almost feel it, what the woman was about to say.

 

“Ah! You two remind of my children. They always use to bicker like this. Reminds me of the good times.” she sighs, a far away look in her eyes.

 

Hyungwon rolled his, and handed the phone back to him. “Noona, we’re going to be late.” He shook his head as the manager snapped out of her daydream and grabbed the keys dangling of the hook by the door.

 

“Oh yes,” she smiled, “I must've gotten carried away again. Sorry for that.”

 

Changkyun smiled, ignoring the slight itching in his throat, “It’s okay. It won't be long until you can visit them.”

 

She visibly brightened, “Yes, i suppose it isn’t. Then i can show you guys all the pictures i’ll take of them!” she seemed genuinely happy.

 

Hyungwon quietly groaned and gave Changkyun a-look-what-you-did-she-will-never-shut-up- now look and Changkyun grinned sheepishly.

 

The trip to and from the store was quick, nothing much happening as they got their products and went back. Hyungwon was quiet through all of this, most likely sleeping due to lack of rest these past few days.

 

It was only when they were getting out of the car that something happened. Changkyun felt someone encase his wrist and turned to see Hyungwon staring at him slightly. 

 

“They were Chrysanthemums, weren’t they,” Changkyun furrowed his eyebrows, “The flowers i mean,” Hyungwon explained.

 

Changkyun realized what Hyungwon was talking about and frowned, “Yeah, they were. Why?”

 

“No reason,” Hyungwon dismissed, getting out of the car, “They were pretty. Deadly, but pretty.”

 

And Changyun looked down at the pills in his hands and thought if what he was doing to himself was deadly or not.

 

He picked not.

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

The first batch of pills worked for about a month.

 

It took awhile to kick in, but you could really tell that the effects did wonders to Changkyuns health. He didn’t even have a cough anymore.

 

His hyungs were happy by this, since Changkyun had been looking sickly for a while. Even the stylists noticed, much to their anger, and they had to put an extra coating of makeup to cover it up.

 

Everything was going alright. 

 

They had an off day, and they all voted on keeping it inside the dorm, as they wanted some time to themselves. But now, they were all sprawled on the couch or ground, some people on top of others.

 

They were each doing different things, as Minhyuk and Hyungwon were playing video games together (in which Hyungwon was dominating much to Minhyuk’s dismay) but they still basked in each others warmth and presence.

 

The quiet was broken by a simple question.

 

“Hey Changkyun,” Kihyun called out.

 

Changkyun rolled over on the floor until he reached Kihyun. “Hm?” 

 

Kihyun looked confused, “How do you get Hanahaki?” he asked.

 

It seemed like nobody else knew, as they all halted their activities to listen in. Changkyun looked troubled. Didn't the doctor bother telling them?

 

“Well,” Changkyun answered timidly, feeling his face grow hot, “It’s cause by unrequited love.” he looked away as his hyungs looked surprised.

 

“Wait.” Jooheon leaned closer, “You like somebody?”

 

Changkyun leaned back, “Well, duh. I have Hanahaki.”

 

The information seemed new to everybody in the room and even Shownu looked intrigued into finding out who was his lover.

 

“Who is it?” Minhyuk asked, curiously getting the best of him.

 

Changkyun shook his head, “Not telling you!” he sing-songed out of his hyungs grasp and went to sit next to Hyungwon, “I’m not telling anybody.”

 

“But wouldn’t it be better if you told us,” Kihyun proposed, “Then we could help you get together with them.”

 

Changkyun felt the smile drop off his face, “I told you I have no chance with them anyways. It’s alright.”

 

There was a heavy silence as the conversation ended there.

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

It was during the night when the nausea hit Changkyun full force.

 

He ripped off his sheets in one motions, tripping over his own feet, as he was running to the bathroom. He didn’t really care if anyone woke up. He stomach felt like it was tearing in two.

 

He let out a small cry as he heaved, a sharp pain erupting in his esophagus. As he threw up, he saw that not only were petals coming out, branches were too.

 

He felt tears sting his eyes as he threw up even more, clutching his stomach, seeking for some kind of release from the pain.

 

Changkyun stared at the mess of branches, full flowers, and petals he made and dimly thought of it as his own garden he made.

 

Except he lost control, and now its killing him.

 

The very next day the doctor prescribed him with stronger medication and told him that he would be tired for the first couple of days until he gets a little bit used to it.

 

“Are you sure you want to stay with this medicine plan?” he asked, pushing his glasses further up on his face, “You body seems to be getting used to this medication faster than i initially thought. At this rate, you won't even have a year left.”

 

Changkyun replied that he wasn’t bothered with it and was handed the medicine directly from the doctor this time.

 

But he couldn’t ignore the raw fear that hit him as he stepped out of the hospital.

 

He could die.

 

But he also couldn’t ignore the resignation that came soon after.

 

(He’d rather die than stop loving Kihyun).

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

The new medication worked better than the last had.He didn’t experience anything bad and for once in the past few weeks, he nearly forgot he had a deadly disease.

 

Nearly.

 

The small thought always made itself present when he stared at Kihyun. The others beautiful eyes, to the ways his fingers would delicately slice vegetables.

 

Then, he’d remember that this man is the reason he was going to die.

 

He didn’t care much.

 

“Kihyun?” Changkyun softly asked, watching the man make dinner.

 

Kihyun looked up, wiping some sweat off of his forehead. “What?”

 

Changkyun didn’t know how to word his next statement. He wanted to say how worried he was for him. How skinny and unhealthy Kihyun started to look. But he didn’t know how to say it.

 

“I’m going to die,” he blurted out instead, eyes widening when he realized what he said.

 

Kihyun dropped the knife and it clattered loudly on the ground. His face was paler than usual. “Wh-what?” he stuttered.

 

Changkyun silently berated himself. This was supposed to be about Kihyun, noy him. Why was he so selfish?

 

“It’s nothing,” he tried to reassure the other, “I’m fine.”

 

Kihyun narrowed his eyes, “No you’re not.” he argued, “You just said that you were going to die, Changkyun. I don’t think that means you’re alright.”

 

Changkyun rolled his eyes. Why was his hyung acting like this. How hypocritical. “And you’re totally fine, Kihyun. Because starving yourself is totally the norm nowadays.” he scoffed.

 

Kihyun looked surprised but quickly sneered, “What the fuck do you know about my life, Changkyun?”

 

“I know enough,” Changkyun replied, “To know that you’re probably going to starve yourself to death before this disease is anywhere near going to kill me.”

 

“It’s already killing you!” Kihyun exclaimed.

 

“And you’re already killing yourself!” Changkyun fired back, voice getting louder.

 

“Well at least i’m not being an immature selfish brat about it!” Kihyun’s eyes blazed in anger, “If you would have just confessed, then we wouldn’t have to waste time on you.”

 

Changyun bitterly laughed, “If you would have just ate something i would have to worry about you!” 

 

Kihyun looked livid, “So i’m just here to bother you then? Is that it?”

 

“Well based on what you said i guess i’m just here to bother all of you then. I’m so done with you, Kihyun.” Changkyun shook his head and went to leave the kitchen.

 

“That’s right, Changkyun. Run away from your problems,” Kihyun yelled, “Gun would have been a better choice anyways.”

 

Changkyun’s heart panged, “FUCK YOU.” He yelled, slamming the door on his way out.

 

He could hear the other members start to emerge from their rooms as the argument got louder. Changkyun ignored the members and shut the door to his room. He slid down the wall, sobbing loudly.

 

Why did he fuck everything up?

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

He didn’t know how long he cried for, but it was night when Kihyun approached him again. 

 

The male opened the door slowly and plopped down next to the maknae. In his hands, were two bowls of steaming hot Jajangmyeon.

 

Changkyun took a bowl from his hands, not having any eye contact with him whatsoever.

 

“Are you going to eat?” Changkyun inquired, looking down at his food.

 

“Are you?”

 

The maknae smiled a bit, “Only when you do first.” he looked up at Kihyun’s entrancing eyes.

 

They held eye contact for a moment until Changkyun looked away shyly. “I’m sorry for what i said earlier,” Kihyun apologized, “I would rather have you instead on Gun.”

 

Changkyun hmed, “And i’m sorry for insulting you for your eating habits.”

 

“You were right though,” Kihyun looked sad, “I just want to be skinny you know? And at first, i could control how much i eat but now, i can barely look at food without being disgusted.”

 

Changkyun closed his eyes, “Just try to eat as much as you can and we’ll start from there. You don’t have to tell anyone else if you don’t want to.”

 

Kihyun stared for a while, “You know,” he started, “I can’t believe that this person you like, doesn't like you back. I mean, who wouldn’t”

 

Changkyun blushed embarrassedly, heart racing, “Hyung, don’t say that” he muttered.

 

“But it’s true!” he grinned, “This person is missing out.”

 

_ If only you knew, hyung, _ he thought,  _ If only you knew. _

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

Time passed by normally after that.

 

While Changkyun’s health was getting worse, he was seen being much happier. He began to cherish the small things. When Kihyun would smile at him, when the older would cuddle with him when they watched movies.

 

Changkyun was content like this.

 

Even if he were to die.

 

The start of the end, as Changkyun would call it, was when he woke up and couldn’t move. It wasn’t like his bones wouldn’t cooperate, it was as if he didn’t have enough energy to move.

 

He was happy that he was smart enough to keep a trash can beside him as he started to retch vigorously, obviously bringing his members, who were downstairs already, running up.

 

“Oh my god, Changkyun!” 

 

Changkyun quietly cried as he tried to hack out what was lodged in his throat. When it came out he saw a beautiful pale chrysanthemum palm of his hand.

 

He panted, falling back onto his bed. Kihyun was in front of him, surprisingly alone. But then he remembered all of his other hyungs had schedules to attend to.

 

He felt like he was going to die.

“Hyung,” he whispered, “I don’t want to die.”

 

“I know you don’t Changkyun.” Kihyun sat next to him on the bed.

 

“This whole time, i just pretended everything was all fine but,” he took a deep breath, “I’m scared.”

 

“Do you have a zero chance with who you love?” Kihyun asked, brushing the locks out of the youngers hair.

 

Changkyun thought this situation was a bit ironic, “They would hate me, hyung. If i confessed.”

 

“But you never know until you do it, right?” Kihyun gave him a shit-eating grin and the younger pouted.

 

“Would you do it?” Changkyun voiced, “If you had to confess to someone you liked in order to live?”

 

“No,” Kihyun forced a smile, “Unlike you, I know i have a 100% reason to know they will reject me.”

 

“You never know until you do it, right?” Changkyun mocked, giving the older a close-eyed smiled.

 

Kihyun looked troubled for a moment, “If i confess to my crush, would you confess to yours?”

 

Changkyun’s mind haywired. One thing, if Changkyun said yes he’s have a zero chance since Kihyun would ask his crush. Second thing, he never knew he hyung even liked anybody, much less had a crush.

 

“You have a crush?” Changkyun looked surprised, trying to deflect the topic.

 

Kihyun turned bright red, “Yea,” he looked at his food and back up, “Oh look. There’s food...that we should eat.”

 

“You said we,” Changkyun started, “That’s good.”

 

“I said i would try, didn’t I?”

 

“Then, yes Kihyun,” the other looked confused and he elaborated, “If you confess to your crush i’ll confess to mine.”

 

His heartbeat was the loudest thing in his ear as he waited for Kihyun’s answer. He thought of all the things the other would say. From “no i was joking. What are you, stupid?” to “I love them so much. What if they say no?”

 

Both choices made him sad and ashamed for liking him. But he couldn’t control how much he loved him.

 

What he didn’t expect a pair of soft lips against his.

 

His mind instantly shut down on him and he started freaking out internally. Did he faint and was this his dream? Did Kihyun actually like him?

 

His lack of response to the kiss made Kihyun lose confidence and lean back.

 

“I’m sorry,” Kihyun whispered, “I shouldn’t have done th-”   
  


Without thinking about it, Changkyun cut him off with a another kiss. This time they were both moving their lips in sync.

 

Changkyun felt, as he sat here with his lover, that this must have been heaven. It sure as hell felt like it.

 

They parted from each other to breathe but soon attacked each other again. Kihyun softly bit Changkyun’s mouth and the other opened his mouth, gasping at the feeling.

 

He felt the older’s tongue travel in his mouth and they fought for dominance (which Kihyun easily won).

 

Things got heavier and Changkyun fell back onto the ground, pinned down. He looked up to see Kihyun’s dark eyes (he swore they were lighter before) staring him up and down.

 

“I guess this is a good time to to say I love you then.” Kihyun whispered, leaning down to the other’s neck.

 

“Shut up,” Changkyun whispered back, groaning when Kihyun sucked on a partciulary sentive spot on his neck.

 

“I love these sounds you make for me,” The older grinned down at him, “I would love it even more if you were louder for me.”

 

Changkyun let out a strained moan when Kihyun suddenly grinded on him. “Kihyun” he desperately said, “Please.”

 

God, his hormones were all over the place. He was about to let Kihyun take all of him but he wanted didn’t want to speed things.

 

“Please what?” Kihyun teased.

 

“Stop.”

 

Immediately all movement stopped and Kihyun raised an eyebrow. “You don’t like this?” he inquired.

 

Changkyun blushed under the intense look, “I do but let’s not rush thing, okay?”

 

Kihyun hurriedly got of him and flushed, “Yeah, right. S-sorry.” he stuttered.

 

Changkyun beamed, quickly pecking his cheeks, “Besides,” he said, “You still need to eat.”

 

Kihyun smirked, “I mean, I  _ was _ getting my fair share of food.” he winked at the end.

 

Changkyun pushed him away and rolled his eyes, “Why do I even like you?”

 

Kihyun shrugged nonchalantly, plopping Changkyun onto his lap. He placed his head into the others neck, inhaling his addicting scent. “You’re mine, right?”

 

“I am,” Changyun softly smiled at the pink-haired man, “I'll always be yours. Now can you eat actual food instead of nibbling on my neck?"

 

“Ah ok,” Kihyun relented picking up the now warm bowl of noodles, “My parents did tell me dinner comes before dessert.” He grinned cheekily.

 

“YA! I’m not dessert!” Changkyun yelled, “What is it with your dirty mind?” he mumbled soon after.

 

“Hm, but you’re like food to me and i’m like medicine to you, you know,” he said, after swallowing a bite of his food,

 

“We can’t live without each other.”

**Author's Note:**

> This is me ranting to my friend while i was writing the kiss scene lol:
> 
> Erotic Noose:  
> im too much of a virgin to write a steamy kiss scene  
> im umcomfortable  
> wow wowowow he just opened his mouth  
> am i rlly going there???  
> yes yes i am  
> uhhhh ewww  
> his tonguee!!!  
> why do i do this to myself  
> DEC 30, 9:51 PM
> 
> Erotic Noose:  
> god this is almost porn  
> but its not  
> uh if ur ike biting someone's neck do they groan or moan???  
> uh groan it is  
> god i dont wan to search anythin up  
> im like young holy  
> DEC 30, 9:57 PM
> 
> Erotic Noose:  
> "I love the sounds you make for me"  
> guess who's going to hell  
> me.  
> how do i stop this  
> "I would love it more if u were louder for me"  
> hmmmm  
> young man  
> holy water  
> wHErE iS jiSOOS  
> when ur judging his actions but u wrote him like this  
> boys have too many hormones  
> DEC 30, 10:21 PM
> 
> And yes my username is Erotic Noose. Judge me  
> (my avatar is a pic from the roll safe meme).
> 
> Plus this ending is kind of hopeful: you don't know if Kihyun gets better or if Changkyun is cured but i wanted to leave it that way.


End file.
